Narcissistic mothers can inflict profound emotional damage on their children. Their behavior is often characterized by a lack of empathy, a need for admiration, and a sense of entitlement. Understanding the specific phrases and patterns they employ is crucial for recognizing the abuse and beginning the healing process. This article delves into the common things narcissistic mothers say, providing detailed explanations and guidance on how to cope and recover.
Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Before diving into the specific phrases, it’s essential to understand the underlying dynamics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD is a mental health condition characterized by:
- Grandiosity: An exaggerated sense of self-importance and achievement.
- Need for Admiration: A constant craving for attention and praise from others.
- Lack of Empathy: Difficulty understanding or sharing the feelings of others.
- Sense of Entitlement: A belief that they deserve special treatment and privileges.
- Exploitative Behavior: Taking advantage of others to achieve their own goals.
- Arrogance: A haughty and superior attitude.
- Envy: Feeling envious of others or believing that others are envious of them.
It’s important to note that not every mother who exhibits some of these traits is necessarily a narcissist. However, if these behaviors are pervasive, consistent, and significantly impair relationships, it’s a strong indicator of narcissistic tendencies.
Common Phrases and Patterns Used by Narcissistic Mothers
Narcissistic mothers often use specific phrases and communication patterns to manipulate, control, and undermine their children. Recognizing these patterns is the first step in breaking free from their influence.
1. The Blame Game: Shifting Responsibility
Narcissistic mothers are masters of deflection. They rarely take responsibility for their actions and will often blame others, especially their children, for their mistakes or unhappiness.
- “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have had to do Y.” This phrase shifts the blame onto the child, suggesting that the mother’s negative behavior is a direct result of the child’s actions. For example, “If you hadn’t made me so angry, I wouldn’t have yelled at you.”
- “You’re so sensitive. You’re always overreacting.” This dismisses the child’s feelings and gaslights them into believing that their reactions are unreasonable.
- “You’re just trying to make me look bad.” This is a classic projection technique, where the mother accuses the child of doing what she herself is doing – trying to undermine her.
- “It’s all your fault that I’m so stressed/unhappy/sick.” This places the burden of the mother’s emotional well-being squarely on the child’s shoulders.
How to Cope:
- Recognize the Pattern: Acknowledge that this is a recurring pattern of behavior.
- Don’t Engage: Avoid getting drawn into arguments or trying to defend yourself.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behavior you will and will not tolerate.
- Focus on Your Own Feelings: Validate your own emotions and don’t let her dismiss them.
2. The Guilt Trip: Emotional Manipulation
Narcissistic mothers often use guilt as a weapon to control their children’s behavior. They may exaggerate their own suffering or use emotional blackmail to get their way.
- “After everything I’ve done for you…” This implies that the child owes the mother a debt that can never be repaid.
- “I sacrificed everything for you.” This is a form of emotional blackmail, suggesting that the child should feel guilty for pursuing their own goals or desires.
- “You’re going to break my heart if you do that.” This uses the child’s emotions to manipulate them into compliance.
- “I’ll be all alone if you leave/move away/don’t call me.” This plays on the child’s sense of responsibility and guilt to keep them close.
How to Cope:
- Acknowledge the Manipulation: Recognize that the guilt trip is a tactic to control you.
- Resist the Urge to Explain: You don’t need to justify your decisions or actions.
- Remind Yourself of Your Own Needs: Prioritize your own well-being and happiness.
- Limit Contact: If the guilt trips are overwhelming, consider reducing your contact with your mother.
3. The Comparison Game: Undermining Self-Esteem
Narcissistic mothers often compare their children to others, usually to their disadvantage. This is a way to undermine their self-esteem and keep them feeling inadequate.
- “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother/cousin?” This directly compares the child to someone else, highlighting their perceived shortcomings.
- “So-and-so is doing so well. What are you doing with your life?” This uses another person’s success to make the child feel inadequate.
- “You’ll never be as good as…” This is a direct attack on the child’s self-worth and potential.
- “Nobody will ever love you if you’re like that.” This instills fear and insecurity in the child.
How to Cope:
- Recognize the Intention: Understand that the comparison is intended to undermine you.
- Focus on Your Own Strengths: Remind yourself of your own unique talents and accomplishments.
- Challenge the Comparisons: Ask yourself if the comparisons are fair or accurate.
- Build Your Self-Esteem: Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself.
4. The Dismissal of Feelings: Invalidating Emotions
Narcissistic mothers often dismiss or invalidate their children’s feelings, making them feel like their emotions are unimportant or wrong.
- “You’re just being dramatic.” This minimizes the child’s emotions and implies that they are overreacting.
- “Don’t be so sensitive.” This tells the child that their feelings are not valid.
- “You have nothing to be upset about.” This denies the child’s right to feel upset.
- “Stop crying. You’re embarrassing me.” This prioritizes the mother’s feelings over the child’s.
How to Cope:
- Validate Your Own Feelings: Acknowledge that your emotions are real and important.
- Seek Support from Others: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your feelings.
- Learn Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Develop strategies for managing your emotions in a healthy way.
- Limit Contact: If your mother consistently invalidates your feelings, consider reducing contact.
5. The Triangulation Game: Creating Conflict
Narcissistic mothers often use triangulation, which involves bringing a third person into a relationship to create conflict and maintain control. This is often done by gossiping, playing favorites, or creating a divide between siblings.
- “Your sister/brother is so much better at X than you are.” This pits siblings against each other.
- “Your father/partner agrees with me about this.” This uses another person’s opinion to validate the mother’s own and undermine the child’s.
- “I told your aunt/uncle about what you did, and they were shocked.” This uses gossip to create a sense of shame and isolation.
- Playing favorites: Giving one child preferential treatment over others to create jealousy and resentment.
How to Cope:
- Recognize the Triangulation: Be aware of when your mother is trying to involve a third party.
- Refuse to Participate: Don’t get drawn into arguments or take sides.
- Maintain Boundaries: Communicate clearly with your siblings or other family members about your boundaries.
- Focus on Your Own Relationships: Nurture your relationships with others outside of the family system.
6. The Hoovering Technique: Sucking You Back In
“Hoovering” refers to the narcissistic mother’s attempt to pull you back into the relationship after a period of distance or no contact. This can involve apologies, promises of change, or playing the victim.
- “I’ve changed. I’m a different person now.” This is a common tactic to lure you back in with false promises.
- “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. Please forgive me.” This is a manipulative apology intended to elicit sympathy.
- “I’m sick/lonely/depressed. I need you.” This plays on your sense of responsibility and guilt.
- “Remember all the good times we had?” This tries to evoke positive memories to overshadow the negative experiences.
How to Cope:
- Be Aware of the Pattern: Recognize that this is a recurring cycle of behavior.
- Trust Your Instincts: If something feels too good to be true, it probably is.
- Stick to Your Boundaries: Don’t let her guilt or manipulation sway you.
- Seek Support: Talk to a therapist or support group to help you stay strong.
7. The Gaslighting Game: Distorting Your Reality
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes you question your own sanity. Narcissistic mothers often use gaslighting to control your perception of reality.
- “That never happened. You’re imagining things.” This denies your experience and makes you doubt your memory.
- “You’re crazy. You’re always making things up.” This attacks your sanity and credibility.
- “I never said that. You’re twisting my words.” This distorts the truth and makes you doubt your understanding.
- “You’re too sensitive. You’re always taking things the wrong way.” This invalidates your feelings and makes you feel like you’re overreacting.
How to Cope:
- Keep a Journal: Write down your experiences to document what actually happened.
- Trust Your Instincts: If something feels wrong, it probably is.
- Seek Validation from Others: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to confirm your reality.
- Limit Contact: If you’re constantly being gaslighted, consider reducing contact with your mother.
8. The Envy and Competition: Needing to Be the Best
Narcissistic mothers often feel envious of their children’s successes and may try to sabotage them or compete with them. They need to be the center of attention and may feel threatened by their children’s accomplishments.
- Minimizing your achievements: “That’s nice, but it’s not that impressive.”
- Taking credit for your successes: “You only got that because of me.”
- Sabotaging your efforts: Intentionally undermining your plans or goals.
- Competing with you: Trying to outdo you in various areas of life.
How to Cope:
- Recognize the Envy: Understand that her behavior is driven by her own insecurities.
- Celebrate Your Own Successes: Don’t let her negativity diminish your accomplishments.
- Seek Support from Others: Share your successes with people who will celebrate them with you.
- Set Boundaries: Limit contact with your mother if her envy is causing you distress.
Healing from the Effects of a Narcissistic Mother
Recovering from the emotional abuse of a narcissistic mother is a challenging but essential process. It requires self-awareness, boundary setting, and a commitment to healing.
1. Acknowledge the Abuse
The first step is to acknowledge that you were abused. This can be difficult, as you may have been conditioned to believe that your mother’s behavior was normal or even loving. However, recognizing the patterns of manipulation and control is crucial for starting the healing process.
2. Seek Therapy
Therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to process your experiences and develop healthy coping mechanisms. A therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse can help you understand the dynamics of your relationship with your mother and develop strategies for healing.
3. Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is essential for protecting yourself from further abuse. This may involve limiting contact with your mother, refusing to engage in arguments, or asserting your needs and desires.
4. Practice Self-Care
Self-care is crucial for replenishing your emotional resources and building resilience. This may involve engaging in activities that you enjoy, practicing mindfulness, or spending time with supportive people.
5. Build a Support System
Having a strong support system can provide you with the validation and encouragement you need to heal. Connect with friends, family members, or support groups who understand your experiences and can offer you emotional support.
6. Forgive Yourself
It’s important to forgive yourself for any perceived shortcomings or mistakes. You were a child who was trying to survive in a difficult situation. You are not responsible for your mother’s behavior.
7. Embrace Your Own Identity
Narcissistic mothers often try to mold their children into their own image. Recovering from this abuse involves embracing your own unique identity and pursuing your own goals and desires.
8. Consider No Contact
In some cases, the only way to protect yourself from further abuse is to go no contact with your mother. This is a difficult decision, but it may be necessary for your emotional well-being. If you choose to go no contact, be prepared for your mother to react with anger, guilt, or manipulation. It’s important to stay strong and stick to your boundaries.
Conclusion
Recognizing the things narcissistic mothers say is a critical step in breaking free from their manipulative patterns and beginning the journey toward healing. By understanding the underlying dynamics of NPD, identifying common phrases and patterns, and implementing healthy coping strategies, you can reclaim your life and build a brighter future for yourself. Remember that you are not alone, and help is available. Seek support from therapists, support groups, and trusted friends and family members. You deserve to live a life free from abuse and filled with love, happiness, and self-respect.