If They Wanted To They Would: Understanding and Embracing This Powerful Truth

We’ve all been there. Waiting, hoping, making excuses for someone’s lack of action. A friend who never calls back, a potential partner who always seems “busy,” a family member who consistently falls short of promises. In these situations, the phrase “If they wanted to, they would” often surfaces. It’s a blunt, sometimes painful, truth, but accepting it can be incredibly liberating. This article dives deep into the meaning of this statement, provides actionable steps to understand its implications in your life, and offers guidance on moving forward with strength and self-respect.

## Understanding the Core Meaning

At its heart, “If they wanted to, they would” signifies that people prioritize what is important to them. Actions speak louder than words. Excuses, justifications, and promises are just that – words. Consistent behavior reveals true priorities. When someone repeatedly fails to meet your expectations, regardless of the reason offered, it suggests that fulfilling those expectations is not a priority for them.

This isn’t necessarily about you being unworthy or undeserving. It could simply be that their priorities lie elsewhere, or they have different needs and wants than you do. The key is to recognize the disparity between their words and their actions, and to adjust your expectations accordingly.

**Why is it difficult to accept?**

Several factors contribute to the difficulty in accepting this simple truth:

* **Hope and Optimism:** We naturally want to believe the best in people. We hope things will change, and we cling to the possibility of a positive outcome.
* **Emotional Investment:** When we care deeply about someone, it’s hard to acknowledge that they may not reciprocate the same level of care or investment.
* **Fear of Loss:** Accepting that someone isn’t prioritizing us can be painful, leading to the fear of losing the relationship or connection altogether.
* **Low Self-Esteem:** Sometimes, we interpret someone’s lack of action as a reflection of our own worthiness. We might believe that if we were “good enough,” they would act differently.
* **Manipulation and Gaslighting:** Some individuals are adept at manipulation, using excuses and promises to keep you invested while consistently failing to deliver. This can make it even harder to discern the truth.

## The Power of Recognizing This Truth

While initially painful, embracing “If they wanted to, they would” can be incredibly empowering. It allows you to:

* **Release Unrealistic Expectations:** Stop waiting for something that is unlikely to happen. This frees up emotional energy and prevents disappointment.
* **Protect Your Emotional Well-being:** Constant disappointment and unmet expectations can lead to anxiety, frustration, and even depression. Accepting the truth allows you to safeguard your mental health.
* **Reclaim Your Time and Energy:** Stop investing time and energy in relationships that are not reciprocal. Focus on nurturing connections that are healthy and supportive.
* **Set Clear Boundaries:** Recognize that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. This empowers you to establish boundaries and enforce them.
* **Prioritize Self-Respect:** Acknowledging that someone isn’t prioritizing you allows you to prioritize yourself. You deserve to be with people who value and appreciate you.
* **Open Yourself Up to Better Opportunities:** By releasing yourself from unproductive relationships, you create space for new connections and opportunities to enter your life.

## Actionable Steps: How to Apply “If They Wanted To They Would” in Your Life

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you apply this principle to specific situations:

**Step 1: Identify the Pattern**

* **Keep a Record:** For a week or two, document instances where someone’s actions don’t align with their words or your expectations. Be objective and specific. For example, instead of writing “John is always unreliable,” write “John said he would call me back on Tuesday to discuss the project, but he hasn’t called yet (it’s now Thursday).”
* **Look for Recurring Themes:** Do you notice a pattern of missed calls, broken promises, cancelled plans, or lack of support? Identify the specific behaviors that are causing you distress.
* **Differentiate Between Isolated Incidents and Patterns:** Everyone has off days. One missed call or a single broken promise might not be indicative of a larger issue. However, repeated patterns are a red flag.

**Step 2: Evaluate the Relationship**

* **Assess the Reciprocity:** Is the relationship balanced? Do you consistently give more than you receive? Do you feel appreciated and valued?
* **Consider the Person’s Capacity:** Are they genuinely overwhelmed with other commitments? Are they going through a difficult time? While it’s important to be understanding, don’t let empathy excuse consistent lack of action.
* **Reflect on Your Needs and Expectations:** Are your expectations realistic and reasonable? Have you clearly communicated your needs to the other person? Sometimes, misunderstandings can lead to unmet expectations.
* **Identify the Role of the Person:** Is this a close friend, family member, romantic partner, or acquaintance? Different types of relationships have different expectations.

**Step 3: Communicate Your Needs (If Appropriate)**

* **Choose the Right Time and Place:** Have a calm and private conversation when you are both relaxed and focused.
* **Use “I” Statements:** Express your feelings and needs without blaming the other person. For example, instead of saying “You never call me back,” say “I feel neglected when I don’t hear from you for extended periods.”
* **Be Specific:** Clearly articulate what you need from the relationship. For example, “I would appreciate it if you could call me back within 24 hours when I leave a message.”
* **Listen to Their Response:** Pay attention to their reaction and willingness to address your concerns. Are they receptive and apologetic, or defensive and dismissive?

**Step 4: Observe Their Actions (After Communication)**

* **Give Them a Chance to Change:** Allow some time to see if they follow through on their promises and adjust their behavior.
* **Look for Consistency:** Are they making a genuine effort to meet your needs? Or are they simply offering empty promises?
* **Trust Your Intuition:** Pay attention to your gut feeling. Does their behavior feel authentic, or does it feel forced or insincere?

**Step 5: Accept the Reality and Adjust Your Expectations**

* **If They Change:** Great! Nurture the relationship and appreciate their effort.
* **If They Don’t Change:** Accept that their priorities lie elsewhere. Lower your expectations and adjust your investment in the relationship.
* **Distance Yourself (If Necessary):** If the relationship is consistently causing you pain and disappointment, it may be necessary to create some distance. This could involve limiting contact, setting firmer boundaries, or even ending the relationship altogether.

**Step 6: Focus on What You Can Control**

* **Your Own Actions:** You can control how you react to the situation. Choose to respond with self-respect and dignity.
* **Your Boundaries:** You can set clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
* **Your Energy:** You can choose where to invest your time and energy. Focus on nurturing relationships that are healthy and supportive.
* **Your Perspective:** You can choose to focus on the positive aspects of your life and the relationships that do bring you joy.

## Examples in Different Relationships

Let’s examine how this principle applies to various types of relationships:

**Friendships:**

* **Scenario:** A friend consistently cancels plans at the last minute, offers flimsy excuses, and rarely initiates contact.
* **Applying the Principle:** If they wanted to spend time with you, they would make an effort to prioritize your friendship. Accepting this allows you to stop waiting for them and to focus on friendships with people who value your company.
* **Action:** Stop initiating contact. If they reach out, respond politely but don’t go out of your way to accommodate them. Invest your time and energy in friends who are reliable and supportive.

**Romantic Relationships:**

* **Scenario:** A partner avoids commitment, refuses to define the relationship, and consistently prioritizes other things over you.
* **Applying the Principle:** If they wanted to be in a committed relationship with you, they would make it clear. Accepting this allows you to avoid wasting time and emotional energy on someone who isn’t ready or willing to give you what you need.
* **Action:** Communicate your needs and expectations clearly. If they are unwilling to meet those needs, it’s time to move on. You deserve to be with someone who is excited about building a future with you.

**Family Relationships:**

* **Scenario:** A family member consistently makes hurtful remarks, dismisses your feelings, or fails to provide support.
* **Applying the Principle:** While you can’t choose your family, you can choose how you respond to their behavior. If they wanted to treat you with respect and kindness, they would make an effort to change their behavior.
* **Action:** Set firm boundaries. Limit contact if necessary. Focus on building relationships with family members who are supportive and understanding. Seek support from friends or a therapist if you are struggling to cope with difficult family dynamics.

**Work Relationships:**

* **Scenario:** A colleague consistently takes credit for your work, undermines your ideas, or fails to pull their weight on projects.
* **Applying the Principle:** If they wanted to be a supportive and collaborative colleague, they would act differently. Accepting this allows you to protect yourself and your career.
* **Action:** Document instances of their behavior. Communicate your concerns to your supervisor or HR department. Focus on building strong relationships with other colleagues who are supportive and respectful.

## Common Pitfalls to Avoid

* **Making Excuses for Others:** While empathy is important, avoid constantly making excuses for someone’s lack of action. This only perpetuates the cycle of disappointment.
* **Blaming Yourself:** Don’t interpret someone’s lack of action as a reflection of your own worthiness. Their behavior is about them, not you.
* **Ignoring Red Flags:** Pay attention to the warning signs. Repeated patterns of unmet expectations are a clear indication that something is amiss.
* **Hoping for Change Without Action:** Hope is not a strategy. Don’t wait for someone to change without seeing concrete evidence of their effort.
* **Engaging in Magical Thinking:** Don’t convince yourself that things will magically get better without any effort from the other person.

## The Importance of Self-Love and Self-Respect

At the heart of this principle lies the importance of self-love and self-respect. When you truly value yourself, you won’t settle for less than you deserve. You’ll recognize that you deserve to be with people who treat you with kindness, respect, and consideration. You’ll be willing to walk away from relationships that are draining and unfulfilling.

**How to Cultivate Self-Love and Self-Respect:**

* **Practice Self-Compassion:** Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend.
* **Set Healthy Boundaries:** Protect your emotional and physical well-being by setting clear boundaries and enforcing them.
* **Prioritize Self-Care:** Make time for activities that bring you joy and help you to relax and recharge.
* **Challenge Negative Self-Talk:** Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations.
* **Celebrate Your Accomplishments:** Acknowledge your successes and celebrate your strengths.
* **Surround Yourself with Supportive People:** Build relationships with people who uplift and encourage you.
* **Seek Professional Help:** If you are struggling with self-esteem issues or difficult relationship dynamics, consider seeking therapy or counseling.

## Conclusion

“If they wanted to, they would” is not about being cynical or pessimistic. It’s about recognizing reality, setting realistic expectations, and prioritizing your own well-being. By accepting this truth, you can liberate yourself from disappointment, reclaim your time and energy, and create space for healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Remember, you deserve to be with people who value and appreciate you. Don’t settle for anything less.

Embrace this truth, practice self-love, and step into a life where you are surrounded by people who truly want to be there for you. It’s a journey of self-discovery and empowerment, and it’s worth every step.