Am I Polyamorous? A Comprehensive Quiz and Exploration

Navigating the landscape of relationships can be complex, especially when considering non-traditional structures. Polyamory, the practice of having multiple loving, intimate relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved, is becoming increasingly discussed and explored. If you find yourself questioning whether polyamory aligns with your desires and values, you’re not alone. This guide will delve into the intricacies of polyamory, provide a self-assessment quiz, and offer resources to help you determine if this relationship style is right for you.

Understanding Polyamory: Beyond the Basics

Before diving into the quiz, it’s crucial to establish a solid understanding of what polyamory truly entails. It’s often confused with other relationship dynamics, so let’s clarify some key distinctions.

* **Polyamory vs. Cheating:** The cornerstone of polyamory is transparency and consent. All partners are aware of and agree to the existence of multiple relationships. Cheating, on the other hand, involves secrecy and betrayal of trust within a monogamous agreement.
* **Polyamory vs. Open Relationships:** While both involve having relationships outside of the primary partnership, the nature of those relationships can differ. Open relationships may prioritize sexual connections outside the primary bond, whereas polyamory emphasizes the potential for deep, loving, and committed relationships with multiple people.
* **Polyamory vs. Swinging:** Swinging typically focuses on sexual encounters with other couples, with less emphasis on emotional connection. Polyamory centers around forming meaningful, emotionally intimate relationships.

**Key Principles of Polyamory:**

* **Consent:** Every partner must freely and enthusiastically agree to the polyamorous arrangement. Consent is ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time.
* **Communication:** Open, honest, and frequent communication is essential. Partners need to be able to discuss their feelings, needs, and boundaries openly.
* **Trust:** Trust forms the bedrock of any successful relationship, and it’s even more critical in polyamory, where vulnerability and transparency are paramount.
* **Respect:** Respecting each other’s boundaries, needs, and feelings is crucial for maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships.
* **Negotiation:** Polyamorous relationships require ongoing negotiation. Partners need to be able to discuss and agree on the terms of their relationships, including boundaries, expectations, and responsibilities.
* **Equality:** While relationship structures can vary, striving for equality in terms of respect, consideration, and decision-making power is important.
* **Compersion:** Often described as the opposite of jealousy, compersion is the feeling of joy or happiness when your partner experiences joy and happiness in their other relationships. Cultivating compersion can be a sign that you’re well-suited for polyamory.

The “Am I Polyamorous?” Quiz

This quiz is designed to help you explore your feelings and attitudes towards polyamory. It’s not a definitive test, but rather a tool for self-reflection. Answer the questions honestly, and consider your responses carefully. There are no right or wrong answers.

**Instructions:** For each question, choose the answer that best reflects your feelings. Keep track of your answers.

**Questions:**

1. **The idea of my partner being emotionally intimate with someone else makes me feel:**
* A. Extremely uncomfortable and insecure.
* B. Somewhat uncomfortable, but I could potentially work through it.
* C. Neutral. I don’t have strong feelings either way.
* D. Curious and possibly even happy for them.
* E. Happy and excited for them. I experience compersion.

2. **I feel jealous when:**
* A. My partner spends time with anyone else.
* B. My partner spends a significant amount of time with someone I perceive as a threat.
* C. My partner neglects my needs or ignores my feelings.
* D. My partner isn’t being honest or transparent with me.
* E. I rarely feel jealous.

3. **The thought of having multiple loving relationships simultaneously:**
* A. Seems overwhelming and impossible.
* B. Intrigues me, but I’m not sure I could handle the complexity.
* C. Sounds appealing in theory, but I have practical concerns.
* D. Sounds exciting and fulfilling.
* E. Feels like a natural and authentic expression of my desires.

4. **I believe that love:**
* A. Is a limited resource that should be reserved for one person.
* B. Can be divided between multiple people, but with difficulty.
* C. Can be shared among multiple people, but requires careful management.
* D. Is abundant and can grow with multiple connections.
* E. Is limitless and can expand to encompass many relationships.

5. **I handle conflict in relationships by:**
* A. Avoiding it at all costs.
* B. Becoming defensive and shutting down.
* C. Trying to compromise, but often feeling resentful.
* D. Communicating openly and honestly, seeking mutually agreeable solutions.
* E. Using non-violent communication techniques and actively listening to my partner’s perspective.

6. **I am comfortable discussing my feelings and needs with my partner(s):**
* A. Not at all. I find it very difficult.
* B. Sometimes, but I often hold back.
* C. Moderately. I can express myself, but it’s not always easy.
* D. Usually. I strive to be open and honest.
* E. Very comfortably. I value open and honest communication.

7. **I believe that societal norms regarding relationships:**
* A. Should be strictly adhered to.
* B. Are generally good, but can be adapted to individual needs.
* C. Are outdated and restrictive.
* D. Should be challenged and questioned.
* E. Are harmful and need to be dismantled.

8. **I feel pressured to conform to monogamous expectations by:**
* A. My family and friends.
* B. Society in general.
* C. My own internalized beliefs.
* D. Sometimes, but I try to resist it.
* E. Not at all. I am comfortable living outside of those expectations.

9. **I am good at setting and maintaining boundaries:**
* A. No, I struggle with boundaries.
* B. I’m working on it, but it’s difficult.
* C. I can set boundaries, but I sometimes struggle to enforce them.
* D. Yes, I’m generally good at setting and maintaining boundaries.
* E. Yes, I am excellent at setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

10. **I am comfortable with my partner(s) having different relationship styles or preferences than I do:**
* A. Not at all. I need my partners to have the same expectations as me.
* B. I would prefer it if we were aligned, but I could potentially compromise.
* C. As long as we communicate openly, I can be flexible.
* D. I embrace diversity in relationship styles.
* E. I actively encourage my partner(s) to explore what works best for them.

**Scoring:**

* **Mostly A’s:** You may find polyamory challenging. You likely value security and stability in relationships and may struggle with jealousy and insecurity. However, self-reflection and open communication can help you explore your feelings further.
* **Mostly B’s:** You are open to the idea of polyamory, but you have reservations and concerns. You may need to address underlying insecurities and fears before comfortably embracing this relationship style. Careful consideration and gradual exploration are recommended.
* **Mostly C’s:** You are curious about polyamory and may be a good candidate for exploring it further. You have a balanced perspective and are willing to consider the pros and cons. Open communication and a willingness to negotiate are essential for you.
* **Mostly D’s:** You are likely well-suited for polyamory. You are comfortable with open communication, setting boundaries, and embracing diverse relationship styles. You may already possess many of the skills and attitudes necessary for successful polyamorous relationships.
* **Mostly E’s:** You are strongly inclined towards polyamory. You likely experience compersion, value freedom and autonomy in relationships, and are comfortable challenging societal norms. You may already be practicing polyamory or actively seeking polyamorous relationships.

**Important Note:** This quiz is a starting point for self-reflection. Your results are not definitive, and it’s crucial to continue exploring your feelings and beliefs about relationships.

Beyond the Quiz: Deeper Exploration

Taking the quiz is just the first step. To truly understand if polyamory is right for you, you need to delve deeper into the following areas:

1. **Self-Reflection:**

* **Examine Your Relationship History:** What patterns have you noticed in your past relationships? What were your needs and desires? What caused conflicts?
* **Identify Your Attachment Style:** Are you securely attached, anxiously attached, avoidantly attached, or disorganizedly attached? Understanding your attachment style can shed light on your relationship patterns and needs.
* **Explore Your Values:** What are your core values when it comes to relationships? What is most important to you in a partnership? Do your values align with the principles of polyamory?
* **Assess Your Emotional Capacity:** Can you handle the emotional complexity of multiple relationships? Are you able to manage jealousy, insecurity, and other challenging emotions?
* **Consider Your Motivations:** Why are you interested in polyamory? Are you seeking greater freedom, more diverse experiences, or a more authentic expression of your desires? Understanding your motivations can help you determine if polyamory is the right path for you.

2. **Education and Research:**

* **Read Books and Articles:** Educate yourself about the different types of polyamory, common challenges, and strategies for success.
* **Listen to Podcasts:** Hear from people who are actively practicing polyamory and learn from their experiences.
* **Join Online Communities:** Connect with other people who are interested in or practicing polyamory. Share your thoughts and questions, and learn from their insights.
* **Attend Workshops or Conferences:** Immerse yourself in the polyamorous community and learn from experts in the field.

3. **Communication and Negotiation:**

* **Talk to Your Partner(s):** If you’re already in a relationship, have an open and honest conversation with your partner(s) about your interest in polyamory.
* **Discuss Your Feelings and Needs:** Share your thoughts, desires, and concerns openly and honestly.
* **Negotiate Boundaries and Expectations:** Work together to create a relationship agreement that works for everyone involved.
* **Practice Active Listening:** Pay attention to your partner(s)’ perspectives and validate their feelings.

4. **Experimentation and Exploration:**

* **Start Slowly:** Don’t rush into anything. Take your time to explore your feelings and experiment with different approaches.
* **Consider Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) Options:** Explore different forms of ENM, such as open relationships or swinging, before committing to polyamory.
* **Set Realistic Expectations:** Polyamory is not a quick fix for relationship problems. It requires ongoing effort and commitment.
* **Be Prepared for Challenges:** Polyamory can be challenging, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. Be prepared to face challenges and work through them together.

Common Misconceptions About Polyamory

It’s important to address some common misconceptions about polyamory:

* **Polyamory is just about sex:** While sex can be a part of polyamorous relationships, it’s not the primary focus. Polyamory is about forming meaningful, loving connections with multiple people.
* **Polyamory is a way to avoid commitment:** Polyamory requires a significant amount of commitment. Partners need to be committed to open communication, honesty, and mutual respect.
* **Polyamory is easier than monogamy:** Polyamory can be more complex than monogamy. It requires more communication, negotiation, and emotional intelligence.
* **Polyamory is for people who can’t commit:** People choose polyamory for a variety of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign that someone is incapable of commitment.
* **Polyamory is a phase:** Polyamory can be a long-term relationship style for some people. Others may choose to explore it for a period of time and then return to monogamy.

Practical Steps to Get Started with Polyamory

If, after careful consideration, you decide to explore polyamory, here are some practical steps to take:

1. **Individual Therapy:** Working with a therapist can help you process your feelings, address any underlying insecurities, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
2. **Couples Therapy:** If you’re already in a relationship, couples therapy can help you navigate the transition to polyamory and address any challenges that arise.
3. **Establish a Strong Foundation:** Ensure that your existing relationship is stable and healthy before introducing new partners.
4. **Create a Relationship Agreement:** Write down your boundaries, expectations, and agreements in a clear and concise document.
5. **Schedule Regular Check-Ins:** Make time for regular conversations with your partner(s) to discuss your feelings, needs, and concerns.
6. **Practice Self-Care:** Take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Polyamory can be demanding, so it’s important to prioritize self-care.
7. **Be Patient and Compassionate:** Polyamory is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself and your partner(s), and treat each other with compassion.
8. **Communicate, Communicate, Communicate:** It cannot be stated enough that clear, constant, and compassionate communication is the key to success in polyamorous relationships.

Resources for Further Learning

* **Books:**
* *The Ethical Slut* by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
* *Opening Up* by Tristan Taormino
* *More Than Two* by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
* **Websites:**
* MoreThanTwo.com
* LovingMore.com
* ReadyForPolyamory.com
* **Podcasts:**
* Multiamory
* Polyamory Weekly
* Life on the Swingset (While this focuses on swinging, many topics are relevant to all ENM relationships)
* **Online Communities:**
* Reddit: r/polyamory, r/nonmonogamy
* Facebook groups dedicated to polyamory

Conclusion: Embracing Authenticity

The decision of whether or not to embrace polyamory is a deeply personal one. It requires careful self-reflection, open communication, and a willingness to challenge societal norms. By taking the quiz, exploring the concepts discussed in this guide, and seeking out additional resources, you can gain a better understanding of whether polyamory aligns with your values and desires. Ultimately, the goal is to create relationships that are authentic, fulfilling, and aligned with your true self.
Remember that there is no one “right” way to love or to be in a relationship. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself and your partner(s) and to create relationships that are based on mutual respect, trust, and consent. Whether you choose monogamy, polyamory, or some other form of ethical non-monogamy, the key is to find what works best for you and to live a life that is true to your heart.