Are Your Standards Too High? A Relationship Reality Check
Navigating the world of relationships can feel like walking a tightrope. You want to find someone who meets your needs and desires, someone who complements your life and makes you happy. But how do you know if your expectations are reasonable, or if you’ve unintentionally set the bar too high? This article delves into the complexities of relationship standards, offering practical steps and insights to help you assess whether yours are serving you well or hindering your search for love.
Why Standards Matter
Standards are the benchmarks you use to evaluate potential partners. They represent your values, needs, and desires in a relationship. Having standards is essential for a healthy and fulfilling romantic life. They protect you from settling for less than you deserve and guide you toward individuals who are truly compatible with you.
However, standards can become problematic when they are unrealistic, inflexible, or based on superficial qualities. Holding onto overly high standards can lead to disappointment, loneliness, and missed opportunities for genuine connection.
The Spectrum of Standards: Healthy vs. Unrealistic
Before we dive into the self-assessment, let’s distinguish between healthy and unrealistic standards:
**Healthy Standards:**
* **Based on Core Values:** These standards align with your fundamental beliefs about life, relationships, and personal growth. Examples include honesty, respect, kindness, and loyalty.
* **Focused on Compatibility:** They prioritize shared interests, goals, and communication styles that contribute to a harmonious partnership.
* **Promote Emotional Safety:** They ensure that you feel secure, respected, and valued in the relationship.
* **Encourage Growth:** They involve finding someone who supports your personal and professional development.
* **Flexible and Adaptable:** They allow for imperfections and acknowledge that no one is perfect.
**Unrealistic Standards:**
* **Based on Superficial Qualities:** These standards focus on physical appearance, wealth, or social status, often neglecting deeper compatibility factors.
* **Perfectionistic Expectations:** They demand flawlessness in a partner, setting an impossible standard that no one can meet.
* **Inflexible and Rigid:** They are unwilling to compromise or adapt to the realities of a relationship.
* **Driven by Fear or Insecurity:** They stem from a fear of vulnerability or a need for external validation.
* **Based on Idealized Notions:** Derived from movies or social media, they fail to reflect real-life challenges and compromises.
The “Are Your Standards Too High?” Test: A Step-by-Step Guide
This self-assessment will help you examine your relationship standards and determine whether they are realistic and serving you well. Grab a pen and paper (or your favorite note-taking app) and answer the following questions honestly.
**Step 1: Identify Your Must-Haves**
* **Core Values:** What are your non-negotiable values in a relationship? These could include honesty, integrity, respect, kindness, empathy, ambition, family orientation, or religious beliefs. List your top 5-7 core values.
* *Example:* Honesty, Respect, Kindness, Communication, Growth Mindset
* **Dealbreakers:** What are the absolute dealbreakers that you cannot tolerate in a partner? These could include lying, cheating, substance abuse, disrespect, anger management issues, or lack of ambition. List your top 3-5 dealbreakers.
* *Example:* Lying, Disrespect, Lack of Ambition, Controlling Behavior
* **Needs:** What are your essential emotional, physical, and practical needs in a relationship? Consider things like emotional support, intimacy, communication, financial stability, and shared responsibilities. List your top 3-5 needs.
* *Example:* Emotional Support, Open Communication, Physical Intimacy, Shared Goals
**Step 2: Evaluate Your “Nice-to-Haves”**
* **Desires:** What are the qualities, characteristics, or attributes that you desire in a partner, but are not essential for a successful relationship? These could include hobbies, interests, physical traits, career aspirations, or social skills. List your top 5-7 desires.
* *Example:* Sense of Humor, Adventurous Spirit, Musical Talent, Similar Political Views, Love of Animals
* **Rank Your Desires:** Assign a level of importance to each of your desires. Use a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is “not very important” and 5 is “very important.”
* *Example:*
* Sense of Humor: 5
* Adventurous Spirit: 4
* Musical Talent: 2
* Similar Political Views: 3
* Love of Animals: 5
**Step 3: Examine Your Expectations**
* **Realism Check:** For each of your must-haves and desires, ask yourself: “Is this expectation realistic? Is it fair to expect someone to possess this quality or characteristic?”
* **Origin of Expectations:** Where do your expectations come from? Are they based on personal experiences, societal norms, media portrayals, or past relationships? Understanding the origin of your expectations can help you assess their validity.
* **Flexibility Assessment:** How willing are you to compromise on your desires? Are you open to adjusting your expectations based on individual circumstances and relationship dynamics?
**Step 4: Identify Potential Biases**
* **Confirmation Bias:** Are you selectively focusing on information that confirms your existing beliefs about what you want in a partner, while ignoring or dismissing contradictory evidence?
* **Availability Heuristic:** Are you overemphasizing qualities or characteristics that are readily available in your social circle or online dating pool, even if they are not truly important to you?
* **Halo Effect:** Are you allowing one positive trait to overshadow other potentially negative traits, creating an unrealistic perception of a person?
* **Anchoring Bias:** Are you fixating on a specific detail or characteristic, and using it as an anchor to evaluate the entire person?
**Step 5: Analyze Your Dating Patterns**
* **Dating History:** Reflect on your past dating experiences. Have you consistently found yourself disappointed with potential partners? Have you frequently rejected individuals who seemed promising on paper?
* **Rejection Patterns:** Analyze the reasons why you have rejected potential partners in the past. Were the reasons based on superficial qualities or deeper compatibility issues?
* **Attraction Patterns:** Identify the types of people you are consistently attracted to. Are you drawn to individuals who meet your needs and desires, or are you repeating unhealthy patterns?
**Step 6: Seek External Feedback (Optional)**
* **Trusted Friends/Family:** Share your must-haves, desires, and expectations with trusted friends or family members. Ask for their honest feedback on whether your standards seem reasonable and realistic.
* **Therapist/Counselor:** Consider consulting with a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationship issues. They can provide objective guidance and support in assessing your standards and developing healthier relationship patterns.
**Step 7: Re-evaluate and Adjust Your Standards**
Based on your self-assessment, identify any areas where your standards may be too high or unrealistic. Make conscious adjustments to your expectations, focusing on core values, compatibility, and emotional safety.
* **Prioritize Core Values:** Ensure that your must-haves are aligned with your core values and essential needs.
* **Embrace Imperfection:** Acknowledge that no one is perfect and be willing to accept imperfections in a partner.
* **Focus on Growth Potential:** Look for individuals who are open to growth, learning, and self-improvement.
* **Be Open to Compromise:** Be willing to compromise on your desires, recognizing that a successful relationship requires give-and-take.
* **Challenge Your Biases:** Be aware of your biases and actively challenge them when evaluating potential partners.
Examples of Unrealistic vs. Realistic Standards
Let’s look at some specific examples to illustrate the difference between unrealistic and realistic standards:
**Example 1: Physical Appearance**
* **Unrealistic:** “My partner must be a specific height and weight, have a certain hair color and eye color, and dress in a particular style.”
* **Realistic:** “I am attracted to individuals who take care of themselves and present themselves well. Physical attraction is important, but it’s not the only factor.”
**Example 2: Career and Finances**
* **Unrealistic:** “My partner must earn a six-figure salary, have a prestigious job title, and own a home in an affluent neighborhood.”
* **Realistic:** “My partner should be financially responsible, have a stable career or be actively working towards their goals, and be able to contribute to shared expenses.”
**Example 3: Social Skills**
* **Unrealistic:** “My partner must be the life of the party, be effortlessly charming, and have a large social network.”
* **Realistic:** “My partner should be able to communicate effectively, be respectful of others, and be comfortable in social situations.”
**Example 4: Hobbies and Interests**
* **Unrealistic:** “My partner must share all of my hobbies and interests, and be equally passionate about them.”
* **Realistic:** “It’s nice if my partner shares some of my hobbies and interests, but it’s also okay if they have their own passions. I’m looking for someone who is open to trying new things and supporting my interests.”
**Example 5: Emotional Availability**
* **Unrealistic:** “My partner must always be happy and positive, never express negative emotions, and always be available to cater to my emotional needs.”
* **Realistic:** “My partner should be emotionally available and willing to communicate their feelings. They should be able to provide emotional support and be understanding of my emotions.”
The Importance of Self-Love and Acceptance
It’s important to remember that having high standards is not inherently wrong. However, it’s crucial to examine the underlying motivations behind your standards. Are you using them to protect yourself from vulnerability, or are you using them to guide you toward a fulfilling relationship?
Before you can truly assess your relationship standards, it’s essential to cultivate self-love and acceptance. When you love and accept yourself, you are less likely to seek validation from external sources or impose unrealistic expectations on potential partners.
* **Practice Self-Compassion:** Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend.
* **Challenge Negative Self-Talk:** Identify and challenge negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself.
* **Focus on Your Strengths:** Acknowledge and celebrate your strengths and accomplishments.
* **Set Realistic Goals:** Set realistic goals for yourself and celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
* **Practice Gratitude:** Focus on the things you are grateful for in your life.
Red Flags vs. Personal Preferences
It’s also crucial to differentiate between legitimate red flags and mere personal preferences. Red flags are behaviors or characteristics that indicate potential harm or dysfunction in a relationship, while personal preferences are simply things you find desirable but not essential.
**Red Flags Examples:**
* **Abusive Behavior:** Any form of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse is a major red flag.
* **Controlling Behavior:** Attempts to control your behavior, isolate you from friends and family, or monitor your activities are red flags.
* **Lying and Deception:** Consistent lying and deception indicate a lack of trust and integrity.
* **Substance Abuse:** Substance abuse can lead to unpredictable behavior and relationship problems.
* **Lack of Accountability:** Refusal to take responsibility for one’s actions is a red flag.
* **Disrespectful Behavior:** Disrespectful behavior towards you or others is a red flag.
* **Constant Negativity:** Constant negativity and complaining can drain the energy from a relationship.
**Personal Preferences Examples:**
* **Height:** Preferring someone of a certain height is a personal preference.
* **Hair Color:** Having a preference for a specific hair color is a personal preference.
* **Hobbies:** Wanting someone who enjoys certain hobbies is a personal preference.
* **Musical Taste:** Having a preference for certain musical genres is a personal preference.
* **Fashion Style:** Having a preference for a certain fashion style is a personal preference.
It’s important to prioritize red flags over personal preferences. While it’s nice to find someone who meets your preferences, it’s essential to avoid individuals who exhibit red flag behaviors.
The Role of Online Dating
Online dating platforms can be a valuable tool for meeting new people. However, they can also contribute to unrealistic expectations and superficial judgments.
* **Curated Profiles:** Online profiles often present a highly curated version of reality, highlighting positive attributes and downplaying flaws.
* **Endless Options:** The abundance of options on dating apps can lead to decision fatigue and a tendency to constantly search for someone “better.”
* **Superficial Criteria:** Online dating often emphasizes superficial criteria such as physical appearance and job titles.
To navigate online dating successfully, it’s important to:
* **Be Realistic:** Remember that online profiles are not always accurate representations of people.
* **Focus on Substance:** Look beyond superficial qualities and focus on deeper compatibility factors.
* **Be Open-Minded:** Be open to meeting people who may not perfectly fit your initial criteria.
* **Limit Your Time:** Avoid spending excessive amounts of time swiping and browsing profiles.
* **Meet in Person:** Prioritize meeting potential partners in person to get a better sense of their personality and compatibility.
Embracing the Journey
Finding a fulfilling relationship is a journey, not a destination. It requires self-awareness, patience, and a willingness to learn and grow.
* **Be Patient:** Don’t rush the process. Take the time to get to know yourself and what you truly want in a partner.
* **Be Open-Minded:** Be open to meeting people who may not perfectly fit your initial criteria. Sometimes, the best relationships are the ones we least expect.
* **Learn from Your Experiences:** Reflect on your dating experiences and learn from your mistakes.
* **Focus on Growth:** Continuously work on your personal growth and self-improvement.
* **Enjoy the Process:** Embrace the journey of finding love and enjoy the process of meeting new people.
By carefully examining your relationship standards, cultivating self-love and acceptance, and learning from your experiences, you can increase your chances of finding a healthy and fulfilling relationship that brings you lasting happiness. Remember, the goal is not to find someone who is perfect, but rather someone who is perfectly imperfect for you.