How to Calm Down: Proven Techniques for Managing Upset Feelings
Feeling upset is a universal human experience. Whether it’s frustration over a minor inconvenience, anger at a perceived injustice, sadness from a disappointment, or anxiety about an upcoming event, learning to manage these emotions effectively is crucial for our mental and physical well-being. Uncontrolled anger, persistent sadness, or overwhelming anxiety can negatively impact our relationships, work performance, and overall quality of life. Therefore, developing healthy coping mechanisms for calming down when upset is an invaluable skill. This comprehensive guide provides practical, step-by-step instructions and techniques to help you navigate and manage your emotions constructively.
## Understanding the Root of Your Upset
Before diving into calming techniques, it’s essential to understand what triggers your upset feelings. Self-awareness is the first step toward emotional regulation. By identifying the situations, people, or thoughts that consistently lead to negative emotions, you can begin to anticipate and manage them more effectively.
* **Keep an Emotion Journal:** Start by tracking your emotions in a journal. Note the time of day, the situation, your thoughts at the time, and the intensity of the emotion (on a scale of 1 to 10). Over time, you’ll likely notice patterns and recurring triggers.
* **Identify Your Triggers:** Once you’ve journaled for a while, review your entries and look for common themes. Are you consistently upset by criticism? Do certain types of interactions with specific people trigger anger or anxiety? Recognizing these triggers is crucial.
* **Reflect on Underlying Needs:** Often, upset feelings are a signal that an underlying need is not being met. For example, anger might stem from feeling disrespected, sadness from feeling lonely, or anxiety from feeling insecure. Understanding these underlying needs can help you address the root cause of your emotions.
* **Challenge Negative Thoughts:** Our thoughts play a significant role in shaping our emotions. Negative or distorted thinking patterns, such as catastrophizing (imagining the worst-case scenario) or personalizing (taking things too personally), can exacerbate upset feelings. Learn to identify and challenge these negative thoughts.
## Immediate Calming Techniques: In the Heat of the Moment
When you’re feeling overwhelmed by upset, it’s important to have techniques you can use immediately to calm down and prevent the situation from escalating. These techniques focus on interrupting the emotional response and bringing you back to a state of relative calm.
### 1. Take Deep Breaths
Deep breathing is a powerful and readily available tool for calming down. When you’re upset, your breathing tends to become shallow and rapid, which can worsen anxiety and stress. Deep breathing helps to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the “rest and digest” response, counteracting the “fight or flight” response triggered by stress.
* **How to Practice Deep Breathing:**
1. Find a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down.
2. Close your eyes (optional).
3. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen.
4. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose, allowing your abdomen to expand while keeping your chest relatively still.
5. Exhale slowly through your mouth, allowing your abdomen to contract.
6. Focus on the sensation of your breath entering and leaving your body.
7. Repeat for 5-10 minutes, or until you feel calmer.
* **Specific Breathing Techniques:**
* **Diaphragmatic Breathing:** As described above, focusing on expanding the abdomen rather than the chest.
* **Box Breathing:** Inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, and hold for a count of 4. Repeat.
* **4-7-8 Breathing:** Inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 7, and exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of 8. This technique is particularly effective for reducing anxiety and promoting relaxation.
### 2. Practice Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)
Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) is a technique that involves tensing and relaxing different muscle groups in your body to release physical tension and promote relaxation. This technique is based on the principle that physical tension often accompanies emotional distress, and by releasing that tension, you can also alleviate emotional upset.
* **How to Practice PMR:**
1. Find a quiet and comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed.
2. Lie down on your back with your arms at your sides and your legs uncrossed.
3. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
4. Start with your feet. Tense the muscles in your feet as tightly as you can for 5-10 seconds.
5. Notice the tension in your muscles.
6. Release the tension suddenly and completely.
7. Notice the feeling of relaxation in your feet.
8. Repeat the process with each of the following muscle groups, moving upward through your body: calves, thighs, buttocks, abdomen, chest, back, arms, hands, shoulders, neck, and face.
9. After you have tensed and relaxed all of the muscle groups, spend a few minutes simply resting and enjoying the feeling of relaxation.
### 3. Engage Your Senses
Engaging your senses can be a powerful way to distract yourself from upsetting thoughts and emotions and bring you back to the present moment. This involves focusing on what you can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch.
* **Sight:** Look around you and notice five things you can see. Pay attention to the details of each object, such as its color, shape, and texture.
* **Sound:** Listen carefully and identify four things you can hear. This could be the sound of traffic, birds chirping, or music playing.
* **Smell:** Notice three things you can smell. This could be the scent of flowers, coffee, or the air around you.
* **Taste:** Identify two things you can taste. This could be the taste of your saliva, a mint, or a piece of gum.
* **Touch:** Notice one thing you can touch. Pay attention to the texture and temperature of the object.
This exercise, known as the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, can help to anchor you in the present moment and reduce feelings of anxiety or overwhelm.
### 4. Take a Break and Remove Yourself from the Situation
Sometimes, the best way to calm down is simply to remove yourself from the situation that is causing you distress. This could involve taking a walk, going to another room, or stepping outside for some fresh air.
* **Create Distance:** Physically distancing yourself from the source of your upset can give you space to think more clearly and prevent you from saying or doing something you might regret.
* **Change of Scenery:** A change of scenery can also help to shift your focus and interrupt the cycle of negative thoughts and emotions. Even a short walk around the block can make a difference.
* **Communicate Your Needs:** If possible, communicate your need for a break to the person or people involved in the situation. For example, you could say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, and I need to take a few minutes to myself. I’ll be back in a little while.”
### 5. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judgment. It involves observing your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without getting caught up in them. Mindfulness can help you to become more aware of your emotional reactions and to respond to them in a more skillful way.
* **Mindful Breathing:** Focus on the sensation of your breath entering and leaving your body. When your mind wanders (which it inevitably will), gently bring your attention back to your breath.
* **Mindful Walking:** Pay attention to the sensation of your feet making contact with the ground as you walk. Notice the movement of your body and the sights and sounds around you.
* **Body Scan Meditation:** Bring your attention to different parts of your body, one at a time, noticing any sensations you may be experiencing. This can help you to become more aware of physical tension and discomfort.
* **Mindful Eating:** Pay attention to the taste, texture, and smell of your food as you eat. Eat slowly and savor each bite.
### 6. Use Positive Self-Talk
The way you talk to yourself can have a significant impact on your emotions. Negative self-talk can exacerbate upset feelings, while positive self-talk can help to calm you down and boost your mood.
* **Identify Negative Thoughts:** Pay attention to the thoughts that are running through your head when you’re feeling upset. Are you telling yourself that you’re a failure, that things will never get better, or that you’re not good enough?
* **Challenge Negative Thoughts:** Question the validity of these negative thoughts. Are they based on facts or just assumptions? Is there another way to look at the situation?
* **Replace Negative Thoughts with Positive Ones:** Replace negative thoughts with more positive and realistic ones. For example, instead of thinking, “I’m a failure,” you could think, “I made a mistake, but I can learn from it and do better next time.”
* **Use Affirmations:** Repeat positive statements to yourself, such as “I am capable,” “I am strong,” or “I am worthy of love and happiness.”
### 7. Engage in a Relaxing Activity
Engaging in a relaxing activity can help to take your mind off of your upset feelings and promote a sense of calm. The activity you choose will depend on your personal preferences, but some examples include:
* **Listening to music:** Choose calming music that you enjoy.
* **Reading a book:** Immerse yourself in a good book.
* **Taking a bath:** Add Epsom salts or essential oils to your bath for extra relaxation.
* **Spending time in nature:** Go for a walk in the park or sit by a lake.
* **Practicing yoga or tai chi:** These activities combine physical movement with mindfulness and relaxation.
* **Spending time with loved ones:** Social support can be a powerful buffer against stress.
### 8. Express Your Feelings in a Healthy Way
Suppressing your emotions can be detrimental to your mental and physical health. It’s important to find healthy ways to express your feelings, such as:
* **Talking to a trusted friend or family member:** Sharing your feelings with someone who cares about you can provide support and perspective.
* **Writing in a journal:** Putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper can help you to process them.
* **Engaging in creative activities:** Expressing your emotions through art, music, or writing can be therapeutic.
* **Physical activity:** Exercise can help to release pent-up energy and improve your mood.
**Important Note:** Avoid expressing your feelings in ways that are harmful to yourself or others, such as yelling, hitting, or using drugs or alcohol.
## Long-Term Strategies for Emotional Regulation
While immediate calming techniques are helpful in the heat of the moment, it’s also important to develop long-term strategies for emotional regulation. These strategies focus on building resilience, improving your ability to cope with stress, and preventing upset feelings from arising in the first place.
### 1. Develop a Strong Support System
Having a strong support system of friends, family, or community members can provide a buffer against stress and help you to cope with difficult emotions. Nurture your relationships and make an effort to connect with people who make you feel good about yourself.
* **Invest Time in Relationships:** Make time for the people who matter most to you. Schedule regular get-togethers, even if it’s just for a quick coffee or phone call.
* **Be a Good Listener:** Show genuine interest in the lives of your friends and family members. Listen attentively when they’re talking and offer support when they need it.
* **Join a Group or Organization:** Participating in activities with like-minded people can help you to build new connections and expand your social network.
* **Seek Professional Support:** If you’re struggling to build a strong support system on your own, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor.
### 2. Practice Self-Care
Self-care involves taking steps to protect and enhance your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. This includes:
* **Getting Enough Sleep:** Aim for 7-8 hours of sleep per night. Sleep deprivation can make you more irritable and prone to emotional upset.
* **Eating a Healthy Diet:** Nourish your body with nutritious foods. Avoid processed foods, sugary drinks, and excessive caffeine.
* **Regular Exercise:** Exercise has numerous benefits for your physical and mental health. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise most days of the week.
* **Setting Boundaries:** Learn to say no to requests that drain your energy or compromise your values. Protect your time and energy by setting healthy boundaries with others.
* **Engaging in Hobbies:** Make time for activities that you enjoy and that bring you joy. This could include painting, gardening, playing music, or anything else that you find fulfilling.
### 3. Manage Stress Effectively
Stress is a major contributor to emotional upset. Learning to manage stress effectively is crucial for maintaining emotional well-being.
* **Identify Your Stressors:** Make a list of the things that cause you stress. This will help you to become more aware of your triggers and to develop strategies for managing them.
* **Practice Relaxation Techniques:** Use relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness meditation to reduce stress levels.
* **Time Management:** Improve your time management skills to reduce feelings of overwhelm. Prioritize tasks, break them down into smaller steps, and delegate when possible.
* **Learn to Say No:** Don’t overcommit yourself. It’s okay to say no to requests that will add to your stress.
* **Seek Support:** Talk to a friend, family member, or therapist about your stress. Sharing your feelings can help you to cope more effectively.
### 4. Cultivate Gratitude
Focusing on the positive aspects of your life can help to shift your perspective and reduce feelings of negativity. Cultivating gratitude involves intentionally noticing and appreciating the good things in your life.
* **Keep a Gratitude Journal:** Write down things you are grateful for each day. This could include simple things like a beautiful sunrise, a delicious meal, or a kind gesture from a friend.
* **Express Gratitude to Others:** Tell people how much you appreciate them. This will not only make them feel good but will also boost your own mood.
* **Practice Gratitude Meditations:** Focus on feeling grateful during meditation. Visualize the things you are grateful for and allow yourself to feel the positive emotions associated with them.
### 5. Develop Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. Developing your EQ can help you to communicate more effectively, build stronger relationships, and cope with stress more successfully.
* **Self-Awareness:** Pay attention to your emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses.
* **Self-Regulation:** Manage your emotions in a healthy way. Avoid impulsive reactions and learn to control your anger, anxiety, and sadness.
* **Motivation:** Stay motivated and focused on your goals. Develop a positive attitude and a sense of optimism.
* **Empathy:** Understand and share the feelings of others. Put yourself in their shoes and try to see things from their perspective.
* **Social Skills:** Build strong relationships and communicate effectively. Learn to resolve conflicts peacefully and to work collaboratively with others.
### 6. Challenge Your Thinking Patterns
As mentioned earlier, our thoughts play a significant role in shaping our emotions. Negative or distorted thinking patterns can exacerbate upset feelings. Learn to identify and challenge these negative thoughts.
* **Identify Negative Thoughts:** Pay attention to the thoughts that are running through your head when you’re feeling upset. Are you engaging in any of the following thinking patterns?
* **Catastrophizing:** Imagining the worst-case scenario.
* **Personalizing:** Taking things too personally.
* **All-or-Nothing Thinking:** Seeing things in black and white terms.
* **Overgeneralizing:** Drawing broad conclusions based on limited evidence.
* **Mind Reading:** Assuming you know what other people are thinking.
* **Challenge Negative Thoughts:** Question the validity of these negative thoughts. Are they based on facts or just assumptions? Is there another way to look at the situation?
* **Replace Negative Thoughts with Positive Ones:** Replace negative thoughts with more positive and realistic ones. For example, instead of thinking, “I’m going to fail this test,” you could think, “I’ve studied hard, and I’m going to do my best.”
### 7. Seek Professional Help When Needed
If you’re struggling to manage your emotions on your own, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide you with support, guidance, and evidence-based techniques for managing your emotions effectively.
* **Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):** CBT is a type of therapy that helps you to identify and change negative thinking patterns and behaviors that contribute to emotional distress.
* **Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT):** DBT is a type of therapy that teaches you skills for managing emotions, tolerating distress, and improving interpersonal relationships.
* **Medication:** In some cases, medication may be helpful for managing emotional disorders such as anxiety and depression. Talk to your doctor to see if medication is right for you.
## Conclusion
Learning to calm down when you’re upset is a lifelong process. It requires self-awareness, patience, and a willingness to practice the techniques described in this guide. By incorporating these strategies into your daily life, you can improve your emotional well-being, build stronger relationships, and live a more fulfilling life. Remember to be kind to yourself and to celebrate your progress along the way. Emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned and improved with practice. Don’t give up, and keep working towards a calmer, more balanced you.