How to Stop Your Ex From Stalking You: A Comprehensive Guide

Dealing with a former partner who won’t respect boundaries and is engaging in stalking behavior can be a terrifying and exhausting experience. It’s crucial to understand that stalking is a serious issue, and your safety and well-being should be your top priority. This comprehensive guide provides detailed steps and instructions on how to identify, document, and stop your ex from stalking you, along with resources to seek support.

Understanding Stalking

Before diving into the solutions, it’s important to understand what constitutes stalking. Stalking is not just about unwanted attention; it’s a pattern of repeated, unwanted contact that causes fear or emotional distress. This can include:

• Repeated Phone Calls, Texts, and Emails: Even if the messages seem harmless, frequent and unwanted contact can be a form of stalking.
• Unwanted Gifts and Letters: Persistence in sending gifts or letters, especially after being asked to stop, can be a form of harassment.
• Following or Spying: This includes physical surveillance, waiting outside your home or workplace, or using technology to track your location.
• Contacting Family and Friends: Trying to gather information about you through your network or harassing them on your behalf.
• Cyberstalking: Monitoring your social media accounts, hacking your accounts, spreading rumors online, or sending threatening messages through digital platforms.
• Property Damage: Damaging your car, home, or other personal belongings.
• Threats: Direct or implied threats of violence or harm to you, your family, or your pets.

It’s important to remember that stalking behavior is about power and control. Your ex may try to rationalize their actions, claiming they are doing it out of love or concern. However, stalking is never acceptable.

Phase 1: Safety and Initial Steps

Your immediate safety is paramount. Here’s what you should do first:

1. Recognize and Acknowledge the Problem: Accepting that you are being stalked is the first crucial step. Don’t minimize the behavior or make excuses for your ex.
2. Prioritize Your Safety:
   • Trust Your Instincts: If you feel unsafe, take it seriously. Your feelings are valid.
   • Vary Your Routine: Change your routes to work, the gym, or any other regular activity to make it harder for your ex to anticipate your movements.
   • Inform Trusted People: Let family, friends, and colleagues know that you’re being stalked. They can provide support and vigilance.
   • Secure Your Home: Make sure doors and windows are properly locked. Consider installing a security system if you can afford it.
3. Document Everything: Keep detailed records of every incident. Note the date, time, location, and a detailed description of what happened. Take screenshots of texts, emails, social media posts, and any other digital communication. This documentation will be crucial if you need to pursue legal action.
4. Block Your Ex: Block their phone number, email addresses, and social media profiles. This is a crucial step in cutting off communication.
5. Adjust Social Media Settings: Make your social media profiles private, remove location services, and be mindful of the information you share online. Be especially cautious with public updates on your whereabouts and plans.
6. Inform Your Workplace: If your ex knows where you work, alert your employer and security team. They may be able to provide additional support and security measures.

Phase 2: Taking Action and Setting Boundaries

Once you’ve taken initial safety precautions, it’s time to establish clear boundaries and take more active steps to stop the stalking:

1. Send a Clear Cease Communication Letter (Optional): This is not always the best approach, especially if you believe it could provoke further unwanted behavior. If you decide to proceed, send a concise, formal letter through a lawyer or a trusted third party stating clearly that you want all contact to stop. Do not engage in any conversation or respond to any attempts to engage by them. Keep a copy of the letter and the method of delivery for your records.
2. Inform Mutual Acquaintances: Let people you both know understand that you do not want any information about yourself shared with your ex. Ask them not to disclose any of your personal details, plans, or whereabouts.
3. Inform Your Bank and Credit Card Companies: Monitor your bank and credit card statements for any unusual activity. Your ex may try to access your financial information.
4. File a Restraining Order or Protection Order: If the stalking behavior escalates or you feel seriously threatened, you can seek a restraining order or protection order. This legal measure can prevent your ex from contacting you, approaching you, or going near your home, workplace, or other specified locations. You will need evidence from your documentation phase.
5. Consult with a Lawyer: Speak with a lawyer who specializes in domestic violence or stalking cases. They can provide valuable advice, assist with legal filings, and help you understand your rights.
6. Contact Local Authorities: File a report with the police or sheriff’s department. Even if they can’t intervene immediately, having an official record of the stalking incidents will be important, especially if the behavior escalates or if you decide to pursue further legal action.
7. Change Phone Number and Email Address (if Necessary): If blocking your ex is not enough and they persist in finding ways to contact you, consider changing your phone number and email address. Inform only trusted contacts of your new details.
8. Review Your Social Media Friends Lists: Remove any friends of your ex or acquaintances that may be unknowingly sharing information about you with your ex.
9. Consider a Temporary Change of Address (if Necessary): If you are feeling highly vulnerable in your current location, consider staying temporarily with friends or family until you feel safer and secure.

Phase 3: Seeking Support and Moving Forward

Dealing with stalking is emotionally and psychologically draining. It’s important to prioritize your mental health and well-being throughout this process:

1. Seek Professional Help: A therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and domestic violence can provide valuable support, coping strategies, and help you process the emotional impact of being stalked.
2. Join a Support Group: Connecting with others who have experienced stalking can help you feel less alone and provide a sense of community and understanding.
3. Lean on Your Support System: Reach out to your family and friends for emotional support. It’s important to have people you can trust and rely on during this difficult time.
4. Take Care of Yourself: Engage in activities that help you relax and de-stress, such as exercise, meditation, spending time in nature, or pursuing hobbies you enjoy.
5. Be Patient with Yourself: Recovering from stalking takes time and there will be days when the experience feels fresh and overwhelming. Be kind to yourself during this process and allow yourself the space you need to heal.
6. Stay Informed: Continue to learn about stalking and your rights. Knowledge is power, and the more you understand about stalking, the better you can protect yourself.
7. Do Not Engage in Online Conversations about the Stalker: Even if you want to talk about the matter publicly, keep in mind that it can become fuel for the stalker. Talk about these things privately with your support system.

Specific Instructions and Detailed Steps

Let’s delve into some of the steps mentioned above with more detail:

Detailed Steps for Documentation

• Create a Dedicated Stalking Log: Use a physical notebook or a document on your computer or phone to record every incident. Make sure to keep a backup of your digital logs.
• Include Specific Details: For each entry, note the following:
  • Date and Time: Record the exact date and time the incident occurred.
  • Location: Note where the stalking occurred.
  • Description: Write a detailed description of what happened. Be specific and include as much information as possible.
  • Witnesses: If there were any witnesses, write their names and contact information.
  • Type of Contact: Specify if the contact was a phone call, text, email, physical appearance, etc.
  • Your Reaction: Document how the incident made you feel. This is important for illustrating the emotional distress you experienced, which can be useful in legal proceedings.
  • Evidence Collected: Note any evidence you have collected including screenshots, audio recordings and/or images.
• Organize and Back Up Your Documentation: Keep your log organized chronologically and ensure you have multiple backups in secure locations. This is crucial in case you lose the original documentation.
• Print Digital Evidence: Print out screenshots of texts, emails, and social media posts. Digital evidence can be easily altered, and having physical copies will be helpful in legal proceedings.

Detailed Steps for Blocking Contact

• On Your Phone:
  • Block Calls: In your phone’s call history, find the ex’s number and tap the block contact option.
  • Block Texts: Do the same for text messages.
  • Consider Using a Blocking App: Some apps offer more sophisticated blocking options and allow you to filter unwanted texts or calls by keywords.
• On Email:
  • Block Sender: In your email settings, find the option to block the sender and add your ex’s email addresses.
  • Create a Filter: Set up a filter to automatically delete emails from your ex or move them to a separate folder you don’t need to constantly see.
• On Social Media:
  • Block the User: Block your ex on every social media platform where you are connected.
  • Adjust Privacy Settings: Make your profile private so that only confirmed friends and family can view your content.
  • Disable Location Services: Turn off location services for all apps that you aren’t comfortable sharing the location of and also review your device location service settings for added protection.

Detailed Steps for Restraining Orders

• Research Local Laws: Every state and jurisdiction has different laws and procedures for obtaining a restraining order or protective order. Research the specific laws in your area.
• Contact a Lawyer: A lawyer who specializes in domestic violence cases can guide you through the process and help you prepare your case. They will be aware of specifics you may not be and can help with any evidence required.
• Gather Documentation: Prepare all of your documented evidence from your stalking log and other evidence. You will need to present this to the court.
• File a Petition: File a petition for a restraining order or protective order with the court, using the legal forms in the correct jurisdiction.
• Attend a Hearing: You will likely need to attend a hearing, to speak about the stalking that has taken place. This is a legal procedure and can be difficult. Your lawyer will represent you in the best way possible and will support your case.
• Serve the Order: If the court grants the order, it will need to be served on your ex through a process server. The proper process must be followed in order for the order to be legally binding.
• Keep a Copy: Keep a copy of the restraining order on you at all times and make sure your trusted family and friends also have a copy. Inform local police of the order if required.
• Report Violations: If your ex violates the restraining order, immediately report it to the police. This is a serious criminal offense, and you will need to continue to document the events.

Additional Tips and Considerations

• Be Prepared for Escalation: Stalking behavior can sometimes escalate after you take steps to block or restrict contact. It’s important to be aware of this possibility and to be prepared to further escalate security measures if needed.
• Be Mindful of Your Surroundings: Be aware of your surroundings when you are out in public. Trust your gut instinct if a situation makes you feel uneasy.
• Inform Your Children (if applicable): If you have children, explain to them in an age-appropriate way what is happening and who they should speak to in the case of any contact by your ex.
• Don’t Blame Yourself: Remember that stalking is never your fault. You are not responsible for the actions of your ex.
• Never Engage: Do not engage with your ex. Don’t respond to messages, threats, or other attempts at contact. Any engagement could be perceived as a sign of interest, which may cause the stalking to escalate.
• Be Patient: Stopping a stalker can take time and multiple attempts. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to protect yourself.
• Seek Support: Do not hesitate to seek help from friends, family, therapists and support groups. They are there to help you and no matter how difficult it is you do not need to go through it alone.

Resources

Here are some resources that can provide further information and support:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org
• National Network to End Domestic Violence: nnedv.org
• VictimConnect Resource Center: 1-800-394-2255 or visit victimconnect.org
• Stalking Resource Center: stalkingawareness.org
• Local Domestic Violence Shelters and Support Groups: Search online for resources in your area.
• Local Police Department: Call your local police department if you are experiencing threatening behaviour.

Stopping an ex from stalking you requires courage, persistence, and a combination of proactive measures. By taking these steps and prioritizing your safety, you can regain control of your life and move forward with healing and recovery. Remember, you are not alone, and help is available.